A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Grandmother clock.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this