In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
no regrets
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Yup.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
the rocks need my help
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Current mood: Potato
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.