Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Anyone want a chair?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…