Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
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There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?