If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend