GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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No. He’s not coming out to play
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away