Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
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We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
⛄️
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!