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I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh