Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
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me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
these two trucks have the same bed length
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all