My safe word is Worcestershire
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Oh my God.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP