I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
You Might Also Like
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence