Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
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Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.