My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
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Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.