Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
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I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?