It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
🙅🏻
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Worth the read.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.