Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *