Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
im 7 sauces long
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”