This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
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Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
This is my brand.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh