I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…