SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
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one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.