My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress