[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
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[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
🤣🤣
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab