When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
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Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field