DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
The real reason evolution started..😂
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
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I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
oh you wanna fight?!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died