Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
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I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues