dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
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“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*