If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
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Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.