[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!