If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
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You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
no
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE