To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing