FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
You Might Also Like
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Tough love is true love
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”