[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
<—- homeless romantic
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.