Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
How long do you have to wait between naps?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
ugh not again
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.