somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
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[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My therapist after every session
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Who knew!
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe