My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
School be like
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.