I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
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Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…