One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
You Might Also Like
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
best review i’ve ever seen
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now