The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
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Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.