5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
You Might Also Like
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
so this horse walks into a bar
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
c’mon!
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam