Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
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Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes