If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Bless you
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.