Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.