Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
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Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”