BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I have never related to anyone more.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*