The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
You Might Also Like
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
79.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.