My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Natty or not?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.