If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
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On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.