“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?