When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
You Might Also Like
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Sex so good you see dead people.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
s
oc
i
a
l
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.