My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..